I’ve Been Bigly And Bad (The Trump Musical) - here full manuscript. The reviews are fantastic:
‘Sidesplittingly funny’ - Variety
‘Hilarious, you’ll die laughing’ - Village Voice
‘Superb, magnificent, hysterical’ - Time
‘Best show on Broadway 27 years running’ - Newsweek
‘Disgraceful and disrespectful of the former President languishing in prison’ - Fox
Here is the original manuscript of the runaway hit Broadway Musical of the dumbest American President including all the parody songs we so love, from the Beatles to Elvis to Queen to Abba to Justin Timberlake to Creedence Clearwater Revival and Bing Crosby. 21 parody songs and a script to put the sillyness together for you. As you might not always remember exactly how that given song went, I have included a link to the original recording so you can match the original artist singing to the new lyrics in this parody version. Enjoy
Excerpt from the Broadway play program guide: I've Been Bigly And Bad (The Trump Musical) is America's longest-running hit Broadway play now in its 28th year selling to sold-out rooms. Featuring 21 parody songs the play chronicles the short but increasingly messy Presidency of the man now listed as 'Moron-In-Chief' in history textbooks. The Musical features numbers covering all main characters from this chaotic point in US politics, including Rudy Giuliani, Michael Cohen, Vice President Pence, Vladimir Putin, Stormy Daniels, Sarah Sanders and all the names we now associate with that shameful period like Avenatti, Melania, Mueller, Maddow, Kelly, Scaramucci, Don Jr, etc. The musical includes the popular confession song by Trump of his true feelings about President Obama.
ACT 1 - STORMY
(Curtain opens)
(a dishevilled middle aged office worker man is working hunched in a dark office, overstuffed with books, cobwebs, dust, he is working on some accounting ledgers and consulting paperwork)
(door opens)
Secretary - Mr Cohen, here is Mr Trump’s latest pornstar’s contract
Cohen - Thank you Mildred, place it on the pile of porn star contracts there
(Michael Cohen, Donald Trump's attorney and 'fixer' pauses, stretches on his chair, gets up, starts to sing)
(a choir forms to sing backup for Cohen)
MONEY MONEY MONEY
(Abba) (Link to the song)
I work all night, I work all day, to pay Trump girls I have to pay
(Ain't it sad)
And still there never seems to be a payment from Trump back to me
(Makes him mad!)
In my dreams I have a plan, I’m gonna sing to the Mueller man
I wouldn't have to lie at all, I'd tell the truth: I taped the call!
Money, money, money, to that honey, it’s the Stormy girl
Money, money, money, must be runny, in the Trump man's world
Aha-ahaaa, all the things he can hide
As he has a little money, tt's a Trump man's world
A girl like that is hard to find but Trump can't get them off his mind
(Ain't it sad)
And if one’s willing for a hump, we know they’d never fancy Trump
(That's too bad)
So he must leave, he’ll have to go, To Las Vegas or else Moscow
A prostitute will have no shame, his life will never be the same...
Money, money, money, Playboy Bunny, in the Trump man's world
Money, money, money, ‘Pee Tape’s’ funny, in the Trump man's world
Aha-ahaaa, no more things he can hide
As he’s having no more money, it's a Trump man's world
Yes every woman understands, about the man with tiny hands...
(Ain’t it bad?)
The sex so lame, you have to pay, and make them sign an NDA
(Ain’t it sad?)
To find his wives, he'll have to go, Slovenia or Kosovo
And pay a fortune in a sham, else no woman takes that man
Its just: money, money, money; never sunny, in the Trump man’s world.
Its just, money, money, money, pretend honey, is the Trump man’s girl.
(Spotlight dims, Cohen turns around, walks back to the desk and resumes his work)
(while office light dims into darkness, a spotlight lights up the front of the stage)
(Trump walks onto the front of the stage, dressed in a business suit. Behind him his Hitler Jugend kids walk in all wearing matching Nazi uniforms, the boys carrying stuffed heads of lions and giraffes)
Trump - hey kids, isn’t it great to be a Trump?
Trump Kids (in perfect unison) - Yes, dad, we love being a Trump
Trump - now wait while I make a phone call
(Trump walks to edge of stage, mumbles into a phone)
(Trump kids talk amongst themselves)
Ivanka (to Don Jr) - So, Junior, are you going to take the fall for daddy? You know, lie about the Trump tower meeting with the Russians?
Don Jr - I dunno…daddy has never shown me as much love he’s shown you
Ivanka - Are you jealous of our relationship? You know that I’ve always been daddy’s favourite! That thing he said about me to Stormy just proves how much he loves me. Besides, daddy has shown how much he loves you – he wanted to bang your ex-wife, so that should be proof enough! Anyway, jnr, remember, the 4 of us Trumps stick together, coz if one goes down, we all go down
(Trump finishes his phone call and calls out to his kids)
Trump - Lets sing our song
PUTTIN’ ON THE RITZ
(Irving Berlin)(here link to song)
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to
Why don't you go where treason sits?
Puttin' on the fritz.
Different Trumps who wear a bad suit pants with stripes
And cutaway coat with portly fits:
Puttin' on the fritz.
Dressed up like a billion dollar loser.
Trying mighty hard to look like Putin’s Pooper.
(Super-scooper)
Come let's mix where fortune-tellers walk with crooks
And con-artists in their midsts.
Puttin' on the fritz.
(Trump family exits Stage Left)
(lights dim, the curtain closes)
(the people suddenly stop moving)
(all people on the stage start to sing)
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
(Queen)(link to song)
Is this his real life?
Is this his fantasy?
Caught in a big lie,
No escape from reality!
Open your eyes,
Stop telling lies,
And seeeeee...
You're just a rich boy,
You have no empathy.
Your lies are easy come, easy go -
We go high, you go low.
Any way your hair blows,
No one really wants to see....
To-oo seee...
Melania, he's killing us...
Putting guns in teachers’ hands,
Spreading discourse through the land,
Melania, we were already great...
And now he’s gone and blown it all away.
Melania...ew ew ew
How the hell d’you touch that man?
If you left town with someone else tomorrow ...
we’d understand....we’d understand.
Because he’s a cheating bastard.
Oh God.
He is so dumb!
Send shivers down my spine,
my head’s aching all the time.
Goodbye Donald Trump!
You’ve got to go!
Just leave us all alone, and tell the truth!
Melania ...oo oo ooo!
I don’t wanna die!
I sometimes wish he’d never been born at all!
Carry on, carry on
Coz I don’t care, do you?
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Scaramucci, Scaramucci how you did the fandango!
Trade wars and tax scams,
Very, very frightening to me!
O Pompeo! O Pompeo!
O Pompeo doncha know?
Pinocchioooo!
I’m just a rich boy,
Nobody loves me!
(He's just a rich boy,
From a weird family!)
Spare us our lives from this monstrosity!
Easy come easy why won’t you just go?
Bismillah! No! We will not let you stay - make him go!
Bismillah! We will not let you stay - make him go!
Bismillah! We will not let you stay (let me stay!)
Will not let you stay (let me stay!)
Never, never!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh mama mia, mama mia,
just let America go!
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for you,
For you,
For you!
So you think you‘ll betray us and spit in our eye?
So you think you’ll be treasonous and leave us to die?
Oh ya Big Baby, can’t do that to us. Maybe
you oughta get out, just gotta get out of the White House.
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah...
Nothing really matters...
Anyone can see...
Nothing really matters,
nothing really matters to meeee...
'Cept for grabbing pussyyyy...
(Trump walks in from Stage Right with Melania. Trump grabs a picture from a table and looks at it)
Trump - Hey Melanie, er, Melania, what’s that picture I see of you smiling with the worst president ever – Obama? Why don’t you ever smile in photos with me?
Melania - Oh Donnie, you know Obama is way hotter than you and if I could just…you know his hands are larger than yours…?
Trump - Well, Ivanka is way hotter than you…if I could just…
Melania - You already have Donnie…
Trump - I have to go make a phone call
(Trump leaves through the door on Stage Right)
(Melania sings)
WHITE CHRISTMAS
(Bing Crosby)(link to song)
I'm dreaming of a sane POTUS
The way Obama used to be
Where reporters listen, including Wolf Blitzer
To hear sane answers factually
(curtain closes)
Voice 1 female (off stage) - yes, did you have an appointment?
Voice 2 female (off stage) - yes, I am here to see Mr Trump
Voice 1 female (off stage) - what is your name
Voice 2 female (off stage) - Stormy Daniels
Voice 1 female (off stage) - yes, Mr Trump is waiting for you, step right into his office.
(Curtain opens)
(bedroom scene)
(Trump nearly naked, dressed in white underpants, wearing black socks, lies in his bed)
(a sexily-clad voluptuous woman climbs out of the bed, walks off the stage)
Trump - Stormy, don’t go! Spank me one more time!
(door slams shut)
(Trump climbs out of bed looks into audience and starts to sing)
MAMMA MIA
(Abba)(here link to song)
I've been cheating on her, since I don't know when.
So I made up my mind, Stormy comes to an end.
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don't know how, but I suddenly lose control;
There is nothing within my soul.
Golden shower I can hear a bell ring;
One stolen kiss, and I forget everything, w-o-o-o-oh.
Stormy Stormy, here we go again!
My my, how can I resist you?
Stormy Stormy, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you.
Yes, I've been pussygrabbing;
Blue since I had your spanking.
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Melania, she should never know,
My my, I can never let you go.
I've been bigly and bad, about the things that I do.
I can't count all the wives that I've cheated with you.
And when you go, Putin slams the door;
I think he knows, they won’t be pee’ing on me for long.
You know that I'm not that strong.
Prostitutes, and I can hear a bell ring;
One Playmate. and I forget everything, w-o-o-o-oh.
Stormy Stormy, here we go again!
My my, how can I resist you?
Stormy Stormy, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you.
Yes, I've been pussygrabbing;
Blue since I had your spanking.
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Melania, she should never know,
My my, I can never let you go.
(phone rings, rings twice)
(Trump walks up to the phone, stares at it)
(phone rings a third time, then fourth)
(Trump picks up the phone)
Trump - yes, dear? I am still at the office yes, the meeting is running late, but why don’t you start with dinner, Melania, I’ll get there as soon as I can.
(Trump hangs up the phone)
(Trump walks up to the table on the side, snorts some cocaine)
(Michael Cohen walks in from Stage Left carrying a device in his hand. Cohen looks at Trump doing cocaine in the right corner)
Cohen (talks to the audience) - The one iron rule I have learned about Donald Trump is, that whatever Trump says that is always a lie. You could in fact call it the Iron Rule of Trump. Whatever he says is never the truth.
(Trump notices Cohen)
Trump - Hey Michael
Cohen - Yes boss?
(Trump sings)
YAKETY YAK
(Coasters)(link to song)
Take out the porn stars and the trash!
And don’t you pay them too much cash.
If you can’t shut up that Playboy whore,
Send some goons to beat her more.
Yakety yak:
Don’t tape that!
My golden showers starting soon;
Lets get the guards to leave the room.
Move all those porn tapes out of sight;
So my wife won’t know this night!
Yakety yak:
Don’t tape that!
Just finish moving money soon,
Putin cash coming in by noon.
The G-O-P and N-R-A,
will move that cash and sneak away!
Yakety yak:
Don’t tape that!
(Trump walks back to his table, snorts some more cocaine)
(Cohen looks at the item in his hand. It is an old-fashioned cassette tape recorder. Cohen takes a tape from his pocket, sticks it into the cassette recorder. He grabs a microphone from Trump’s bedside table, sticks the mic cable into the tape recorder. Then he uses it like a rock singer’s microphone and starts to sing)
Cohen (talks to the audience) - The second iron rule I have learned about Donald Trump is, that whenever Trump denies something, that is always the truth.
(Cohen sings alone, he is later joined by a large choir)
I’D LIKE TO TEACH THE WORLD TO SING (IN PERFECT HARMONY)
(also known as the ‘Coca Cola song’)
(The New Seekers)(link to the song)
I'd like to tape-record the world,
And tarnish it with Trump.
Show whopper lies and bigly crimes,
And snow white cocaine gloves.
I'd like to give the Feds this sting,
In perfect treachery.
I'd wire-tap Republicans,
In present company.
I'd like to see Deplorables,
All cuffed from hand to hand.
And hear them echo through the hills,
On tapes throughout the land.
That's the crimes I hear,
That the boys sing today;
Its the crimes that I hear,
That won’t go away.
(Trump walks off the stage)
(A group of people walk onto the stage, the choir, in various civian clothes, depicting normal people, they settle into a choir formation at the center of the stage. Michael Cohen steps in front of them and stands, waiting)
(Michael Cohen sings, the cast join him as backup singers)
(the piano intro to John Lennon’s Imagine starts to play)
IMAGINE
(John Lennon)(link to video of song)
Imagine a recording,
It's easy if you try.
Our Trump among us:
Telling how he’s gonna lie.
Imagine all the voters,
Hearing it today!
You may say he’s a moron,
But he’s not the only one;
Cohen really did record all!
And that Trump will be gone.
(curtain closes as Michael Cohen walks through curtains, light dims)
(Trump walks onto the stage with a well-dressed attorney, Rudy Giuliani)
Trump - I’d like you to represent me in this horrible fight with Michael Cohen
Giuliani - sure, Mr Trump, I’d be delighted to
Trump - Cohen is really a nobody, I barely knew him, he’s done nothing for my company
Giuliani - I understand, yes Mr Trump, I understand
(Trump and Giuliani stop and seem to discuss something privately. The light dims.)
(A spotlight points to Stage Lett. Michael Cohen walks into the spotlight and stops)
Cohen (talks to the audience) - The third iron rule of Trump that I have learned, is that for every Trump opinion there has to be an equal and opposite Trump opinion. Just earlier this week Trump said how much he loved me and my work.
(the spotlight dims. Cohen steps away from the stage)
(Giuliani shakes Trump’s hand. Trump walks away. Giuliani walks up to center stage and the lights come on)
(a choir of supreme court justices walk onto the stage, in very sexy robes)
(Giuliani sings, the choir of justices join to sing the chorus parts and some of the song is done split duet singing)
SEXY BACK
(Justin Timberlake)(link to song)
I'm bringing lying back
Other attorneys don't know how to act
I think I'm special, yet I know jack?
I’ll turn around the truth to twist the facts
Take it to the bridge
Dirty mean
You see these wrinkles
On my face you see
I’ll just lie all time and misbehave
Giuliani makes you feel this way
Take it to the chorus
Come Rudy
Giuliani go with it
Stray from the facts
Go Rudy, be gone with it
Insane Man
Go ahead, be gone with it
Lies on me
Go ahead, be gone with it
Let me see what you're twisting with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those lips
Giuliani go with it
You are so vile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Rudy man-child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your lying on
Go ahead, be gone with it
I’m bringing Rudy back
(No!)
The motherfucker don’t know how to act
(No!)
He lies for Trump and now picks up the slack
(No!)
He’ll burn in Hell as Rudy lies so fast
(No!)
Giuliani on
Go ahead, be gone with it
Giuliani on
Go ahead, be gone with it
Get you Rudy on
Take it to the chorus!
Come here girl
Giuliani is that git
Come to the back
Go ahead, be gone with it
Asshole man
Go ahead, be gone with it
Joke’s on you
Giuliani is that git
Let me see what you're twisting with
Go ahead, be gone with it
Look at those lips
Giuliani go with it
You are so vile
Go ahead, be gone with it
Rudy man-child
Go ahead, be gone with it
And get your lying on
Go ahead, be gone with it
You loonie?
(Yes!)
You loonie?
(Yes!)
Giuliani?
(Yes!)
You loonie?
(Yes!)
Take it to the chorus
(curtain closes)
Male voice (off stage) - CNN Breaking News, here is Wolf Blitzer
Wolf Blitzer (off stage) - CNN has just learned that pornstar Stormy Daniels attorney, Michael Avenatti has signed up more women and he says that Michael Cohen has over 100 tape recordings of conversations. Stay tuned to this breaking story.
(curtain opens, the full cast is ready to sing, the porn stars are in the front row)
ITS RAINING MEN
(The Weather Girls)(link to song)
Hi! We're your porno girls
(Ah-huh)
And have we got news for you
(You better listen)
Get ready, all you Trumpy girls
And leave the NDAs at home
(Alright!)
Hannity is rising
(Mmm rising)
Broidy's getting low
(How low, girl? Uh-oh)
According to all Trumpsters
(What Trumpsters, now?)
The court's the place to go
(We'd better hurry up)
Cause tonight for the first time
Just about those bastard apes,
For the first time in history
It's gonna start raining tapes!
Start raining tapes
It's raining tapes! Hallelujah!
It's raining tapes! Amen!
I'm gonna go out to run and rip it all up:
That N-D-A was all fucked up!
God bless Avenatti, he's Stormy’s lawyer too
He ripped up the contracts, Stormy did what she had to do
He taught fallen angels, and rearranged the sky
So that each and every pornstar could sue that bastard guy
It's raining tapes! Hallelujah!
It's raining tapes! Amen!
Tall, dark, thug and mean
Cohen last? In prison seen!
(curtain falls)
(intermission)
ACT 2 - HELSINKI
(Curtain is closed)
Male announcer (off stage) - Stay tuned for breaking news on CNN
Wolf Blitzer (off stage) - CNN can report breaking news, that President Trump will be meeting with Vladimir Putin in..
(a Wolf Blitzerish dramatic pause)
Wolf Blitzer (off Stage) - ..Hel-sinki, Finland. We go to our Dana Bash for more details What can you tell us Dana?
Dana Bash (off stage) - Yes, Wolf, Trump will be meeting Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, and the meeting will be just the two of them and their interpreters. Nobody else will join them.
Wolf Blitzer (off stage) - Isn’t that unusual for a meeting like this?
Dana Bash (off stage) - Yes, Wolf, this has never been done before and many on Capitol Hill are expressing grave concerns about this type of meeting)
(the curtain opens, there are two podiums three flags: Finland, USA and Russia)
(the cast is seated on the floor, facing the podiums. They get up, turn to face the audience, and settle into a choir formation in front of the stage)
BAD MOON RISING
(Creedence Clearwater Revival)(link to song)
I see the bad mood rising,
I see Putin on the way.
I see censorship, its frightning!
I see bad times today.
Don't go Tweet tonight.
Trump Tower you knew all right.
There’s a bad mood on the rise.
I hear Michael Cohen a-singing,
I know the end is coming soon.
I see Giuliani lying,
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.
Don't go Tweet tonight.
Trump Tower you knew all right.
There’s a bad mood on the rise.
Hope you got your act together,
Hope you are quite prepared for life.
Prison food can seem like nasty weather,
Your bed shared with your prison wife.
(the crew turn back to face the podiums and settle to sit on the floor)
(Trump’s podium shrinks, Putin’s podium grows on the stage, Putin, a smaller man than Trump, is rising on his podium to be towering over Trump and Trump bends his knees to seem even shorter and smaller behind his podium)
(Trump sings)
YESTERDAY
(The Beatles)(link to video)
Suddenly,
I’m not half the man you thought I’d be.
There’s a Putin looming over me,
Oh Helsinki came suddenly.
Why I had to go?
I don’t know, I cannot say.
I said everything wrong,
NATO left in disarray, ay, ay, ay.
Dossier?
All those spies they seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh I prefer the Putin’s way.
Why'd I have to say?
I “would” say, I “wouldn't” say?
I said something wrong.
Now I want to run away!
Yesterday!
Strength was such an easy game to play.
Now I need to yell at Merkel, or May,
I don’t believe in USA
(Putin’s podium is lowered to normal height, both men depart to their respective ends of the stage)
(the choir gets up, turns to face the audience, settle again in choir formation in front of the stage)
WATERLOO
(Abba)(link to song)
My my
At Helsinki Our Trumpster did surrender
Oh yeah
And he had met his destiny in quite a Russian way
The history book on the shelf
Is always repeating itself
Helsinki! Trump was defeated, they won the war
Treasonous! Promise to love Putin ever more
Meddling! Couldn't admit if he wanted to
Evidence! Knowing the facts he still lies to you
Wow Wow Wow Wow
Treasonous! Finally showing his loyalty!
My my
We tried to hold Trump back, but he was dumber
Oh yeah
And now it seems his only chance is giving up to them
And how could Trump ever refuse
He feels like he wins when we lose!
Helsinki! Trump was defeated, they won the war
Treasonous! Promise to love Putin ever more
Meddling! Couldn't admit if he wanted to
Evidence! Knowing the facts he still lies to you
Wow Wow Wow Wow
Treasonous! Finally showing his loyalty!
(the choir split up and wander off stage)
(The Finnish and Russian flags are removed but US flag remains. One podium is removed)
(Trump walks up to the podium. A group of journalists are gathered to the side. Trump is asked questions)
Journalist 1 - Mr Trump, do you believe American intelligence sources and your own state department, or do you believe the Russian dictator Vladimir Putin
Trump - Well, Mr Putin spoke very strongly and I believe him
Journalist 2 - What did you discuss with Mr Putin in the private conversation you had for over 2 hours
Trump - We discussed tremendous things, we will be doing bigly things soon. That is all, sorry, I have to go. I have to sing a song.
(Trump walks to the front of the stage and sings)
(guitar riff to song starts)
WOULD I LIE TO YOU
(The Eurythmix)(link to song)
Would I lie to you?
Would I lie to you voters?
Now would I say something that wasn't true?
I'm asking you voter,
Would I lie so much to you?
Putin! Knows what's in store.
NA-TO won’t be nomore.
I've told my lies.
I've walked them back.
Now watch me talkin'.
Walking back some more
Believe me - I'll fake it fake it
Believe me - I'll fake it fake it
Would I lie to you?
Would I lie to you voters?
Now would I claim something was ‘just fake news’?
I'm asking you voter
Would I lie lie lie to you?
Helsinki? I’m in submission.
Hostage! But no collusion!
I’m the biggest fake.
That much is true.
I’ll blame someone else.
I am deceiving you-u-u-u
Believe me - I'll brake it brake it
Believe me - Putin will take it
(Trump and Donald Trump walk across the stage, talking)
Trump Junior - Daddy, did you hear that South Park has stopped writing material about your presidency?
Trump - That’s great Junior, but you know I never liked South Park – they make fun of me and my friends, just like the fake news channel, CNN
Trump Junior - Well, actually, they stopped writing material because you provide it all for them by just being you (guffaws)
Trump - It’s such an awful show that nobody watches it anyway. And that little fat one – whatever his name is, he’s so rude, so rude
Trump Junior - You mean Cartman?
(a small overy-fat boy (wearing a pillow) dressed in bright red shirt and blue jeans, looks about 10 years old or younger, walks into the front of the stage. He is Cartman)
(Cartman sings initially alone, then the cast joins him as the song progresses)
KYLE’S MOM IS A BITCH
(Cartman of TV series South Park)(link to video)
Trump’s a bitch, he is Putin’s bitch!
He's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
He’s a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch;
He's a bitch to all the boys and girls!
In Finland he’s a bitch!
In London he’s a bitch!
From Singapore to Washington he’s Putin’s bitch.
Then in Moscow with the pee tape girls,
Trump was and still is Putin’s bitch!
Trump’s a bitch, he is Putin’s bitch!
He's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
He’s a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,
He's a bitch for Vlad to toss and twirl!
On Monday he's a bitch!
On Tuesday he's a bitch!
On Wednesday to Saturday, he's Putin’s bitch!
Then on Sunday, just to be different:
Trump's a super King-size Putin bitch!
(Cartman marches off the stage with head held high, the other singers look puzzled and start to wander off the stage)
(four men march in from Stage Left, two in uniform, they set themselves into a quarter to the side of the stage and wait)
(Trump walks in from Stage Right, sets himself in front of the quartet, nods at them, then turns to face the audience)
(Song in three voices. Trump sings his 2 lines solo, the featured singer sings his own part solo, and the choir sings the two lines together)
Trump - I never wanted to be billionaire, anyway. I wanted to sing, to sing
I’M A LUMBERJACK (AND I’M OK)
(Monty Python’s Flying Circus)(link to video)
I’m an idiot and I’m ok
I tweet all night, I tweet all day
(He’s the President its not ok)
(He tweets all night, he tweets all day)
Iraq War vet, US Marine
The White House Chief of Staff
That General John F Kelly
Called Trump unhinged; we laugh
I’m an idiot and I’m ok
I tweet all night, I tweet all day
(He’s the President its not ok)
(He tweets all night, he tweets all day)
Rex Tillerson, an Eagle Scout
Ran Exxon ten years on
As Secre-tary of State
Called Trump fucking moron
I’m an idiot and I’m ok
I tweet all night, I tweet all day
(He’s the President its not ok)
(He tweets all night, he tweets all day)
Gulf War vet, Iraq War vet
The General could not cope
That NatSec-Man McMaster
Confess’d that Trump’s a dope
I’m an idiot and I’m ok
I tweet all night, I tweet all day
(He’s the President its not ok)
(He tweets all night, he tweets all day)
At Goldman Sachs, he was big boss,
Then did the economy bit
But Gary Cohn, Advisor
Said Trump was dumb as shit
I’m an idiot and I’m ok
I tweet all night, I tweet all day
(He’s the President its not ok)
(He tweets all night, he tweets all day)
Rex Tillerson (to Trump) - Why can't you be like Obama?
(the quartet turn and march off stage)
(Trump is left alone)
(lights go dark, Trump gets spotlight, he sings)
(piano intro to the James Bond classic movie theme starts to play)
NOBODY DOES IT BETTER
(Carly Simon)(link to song)
Obama did it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as him
Barack, you're the best
I did try looking, for your birth documents
I tried to claim you’re from Kenya
But like my wife Melania
Everybody loves 'ya
It rips by guts out each and every night
As, Obama you are better
And always you know no-one could
Nobody does this quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good?
The way that you answer
Whenever they ask you
There’s some kind of magic inside you
Your mind keeps on thinking
The reasoning coming
How’d you learn to speak so well you do?
And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for all of us
Nobody does it half as good as you
Oh, Obama, you're the best
(Trump hunches his shoulders, dejected, and wanders off stage)
(a large bunch of people flow onto the stage, they set up into chorus formation, they all are looking at their smartphone screens while watching and exclaiming 'Mueller', 'Mueller' some to themselves, some to the screen, and some to each other)
(then they stop, and sing)
DARE ME
(Pointer Sisters)(link to song)
You've got a chip on your shoulder
With one name on it (Mueller’s there!)
So don't just stand there tweetin'
If you don't want it (Mueller’s there!)
I say you're either a loser
Or you are a liar
So don't spank her too hard
You're playin' with fire
Trumpy, make your move
Step across the line
Tweet him one more time
Come on, dare him
He wants to take you on
He knows he can't lose
We'll be hating you
If you just dare him
Looks like you're lookin' for Mueller
And I'd say you found him (You found him)
You'll have to go right through him
There's no way around it (You found him)
I hope that mean shithole look
Means what it's saying
'Cause we're just sittin' on ready
Ready and waiting
Come on and dare him
If there's any truth
Behind your collusions
Mueller’s gonna end up on fire
You better believe it
You better believe it, oh baby
Oh, dare him, dare him,
Dare him
(cast moves away from front of stage, reveals a Sarah Sanders standing at the back of the stage, she is taking questions from a few reporters)
Reporter 1 - Did President Trump sleep with Stormy Daniels?
Sarah - That question was answered, next reporter?
Reporter 1 - No, you haven't answered it
Sarah - Yes, now moving along
Reporter 1 - No, you never answered it.
Sarah - I just did, now you?
Reporter 2 - Did President Trump sleep with Stormy Daniels?
(The reporters turn towards the audience and start to sing)
BETTE DAVIS EYES
(Kim Carnes)(link to song)
Her face is looking old
It comes from telling lies.
Her stare is dead and cold,
She’s got Sarah Sanders Eyes.
She’ll turn the public on you,
Shouting “fake news” lies.
She hates the Free Press, you know.
She’s got Sarah Sanders Eyes.
And she'll hate you, and berate you
All the better just to grate you
She's obnoxious, and she knows just
What it takes to make a bigot gush!
She’s got John Candy’s stand out thighs,
She's got Sarah Sanders Eyes.
She won’t answer when you ask,
It whets her appetite.
But she’ll take you to task,
She got Sarah Sanders Eyes!
She’s got the smoky eye down
It’s made of crushed up lies.
One goes up, and one goes down
She's got Sarah Sanders Eyes.
She'll expose you, when she snows you
Mixing lies with the crumbs, she throws you.
She's ferocious and she knows just what it
Takes to make a presser rush.
All she wants is some french fries,
She's got Sarah Sanders eyes.
(Curtain opens)
(A girl is playing with train set)
(She has short blonde hair, she is skinny, looks about 12 years of age)
(Off-screen we hear her mom yelling)
Mom (off stage) - It’s time dear!
Girl - Yes mom, just one more minute
Mom (off stage) - No, you come here now!
Girl - Just one more junction.
Mom (off stage) - No more junctions or debunctions!
Girl - Mom, just one more minute?
Mom (off stage) - Rachel Maddow! You get down here right now! You have to do your TV show, all of America is waiting!
Girl - Yes mom, I’m coming, tell the TV crew I’ll be right there
(Girl gets up, takes a train and some tracks with her, walks off the stage)
(Whole cast walks in and starts to sing):
KILLER QUEEN
(Queen)(link to song)
She keeps Moët and Vodka
In her pretty cabinet
‘Show them the tape,' she says
Just like ole’ Tim Russert
A built-in remedy
For Limbaugh and Hannity
At anytime an invitation
You can't decline
Analysis and evidence
Well versed in etiquette
Extraordinarily nice!
She's a Killer Queen
Maddow is on the scene
Debunction with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?
To add to complications
Trump changes lies within this mess
In conversation
Cohen taped him with no finess
Met a man from Russia
Went down to Helsinki and, oh
Then again incidentally
Putin confessed who he preferred..
Transcripts came naturally from typists
Naturally
For words we couldn't translate
Yet accurate and precise
She's a Killer Queen
Maddow is on the scene
Debunction with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Drop of a line, she's right onto that
Tears it like an alley cat
Words momentarily building fiction
Temporarily tries the lies
To absolutely drive us wild, wild
She's all out to get you
She's a Killer Queen
Maddow is on the scene
Debunction with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime
Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?
You wanna try
(the phones of the cast start to beep, all take out their smartphones and start cheering, with words like 'prison' and 'impeached')
(whole cast joins front of stage to sing final song)
JAILHOUSE ROCK
(Elvis)(link to song)
When Mueller threw a party at the fed’ral jail
The Trumpo gang was there and they began to wail.
Manafort was grumpy and the joint began to swing.
You should’ve heard those treasonous stooges sing
Let's rot, everybody, let's rot.
Everybody who’s a shameful blot
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rot.
Daddy Trumpy ‘played’ the tenor saxophone,
Little Don was ‘blowin' on a slide trombone.
The drummer boy called Hannity went crash, boom, bang,
Mitch McConnel section was the Turtle Gang
Let's rot, everybody, let's rot.
Everybody who’s a shameful blot
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rot.
Number forty-five said to Pence VP:
You're the gayest jailbird I ever did see.
God sure would be delighted if you slept with me
Come on and do the ‘small-hands jive’ with me
Let's rot, everybody, let's rot.
Everybody who’s a shameful blot
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rot.
Sarah Sanders was a sittin' on Roger Stone
Both over in the corner weepin' all alone.
Mike Cohen said, "Hey, lovers, don't you be no square.
I’ve tape recorded you with my mic right there”
Let's rot, everybody, let's rot.
Everybody who’s a shameful blot
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rot.
Kevin Nunes said to Rand, "For Putin's sake,
No one's lookin', now's our chance to make a break."
Paul Ryan pointed out as he told Hope Hicks,
We wanna stick around as Trump’s ass gets kicks
Let's rot, everybody, let's rot.
Everybody who’s a shameful blot
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rot.
Let's rot, everybody, let's rot.
Everybody who’s a shameful blot
Was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rot.
ENDING COMMENTS
First off, please tell us which song or songs you liked the most. Please mention here in the comments, or on Twitter, and we'll see which songs and jokes connected the best with our readership.
This manuscript of a parody musical was written by Tomi T Ahonen and my friend Maritsa Adams. The parody lyrics to two songs were by my Twitter pal NaKina who is @Nakinatalbert. Her lyrics were the parodies based on Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) and Bette Davis Eyes (Kim Carnes). All other song parodies were by me, Tomi T Ahonen aka The Seventh Steve aka HatRat aka T Dawg. Most of the lyrics had been released through Twitter prior to this blog but some edits have been made to some lyrics.
This blog is released under creative commons and we would love for this play to be performed somewhere in some form. We do not own any of the rights to the music so please respect those rights and proceed with the original songs as appropriate. The humor and jokes and the play manuscript parts here, they are free to use, but we ask that we be recognized for our contributions if works are performed based on this manuscript..
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